I can still read Bierce

This first is an easy joke, nicely phrased:
Replica, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are made with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it supposed to be more beautiful than it looks.
Two other acute judgments, though I don't praise them for their subtlety:
Impartial, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
Impiety, n. Your irreverence towards my deity.